he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
