Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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