I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If I die, sorry about rent.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
