On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize