dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
