My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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