im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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