Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
