No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
