i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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