I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
