what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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