I need to stop coming to work sober
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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