this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
