my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
