I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
