Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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