she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
