i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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