Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize