I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
