You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
