If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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