I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
