the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
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