What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
