Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Randomize
