I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
