Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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