how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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