it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
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