I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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