remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
