I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
