i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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