I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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