CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
