I accidentally burped into my bong.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize