hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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