New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
sex in a hospital.. check
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
