i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
