then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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