i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Randomize
