Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
