Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
