I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
