allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I am available for nakedness
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
