Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize