The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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