That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
