i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
