I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
