Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
