i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
