A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
